The Severus Snape Project
by Quothia
Summary: After learning of a certian greasy-haired gentleman's love interest, the staff of Hogwarts decide to give him a helping hand to get the girl.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing etc. The usual. **_

_**Hey people! This is my first chaptered fic and I'm aiming for probably about four chapters in all to get myself used to it. It's also my first humour fic because they're a lot more easy-going to write and I though, for my first chaptered story it would be nice to have an easy ride. **_

_**Thanks go out to my little sister Ceri for helping me. **_

Severus Snape sighed deeply. It was, all in all, not a good day. It had not been a good day when he was woken up at 2 in the morning because some snivelling little first year needed a draught of Skele-grow and the hospital wing was all out. It had not been a good day when that idiot Longbottom's toad had escaped his trembling clutches and run- or rather hopped –riot, all around the dungeons. And it had not, repeat, most certainly _not _been a good day when Sybil Trelawney had, inexplicably, chosen to sit next to him at the staff table and begun to single-handedly ruin what could have been a perfectly stress-free mealtime.

"I would be glad to read your palm sometime, Severus," the insufferable woman said dreamily. "For someone with such a dark and stormy aura as yourself, it is advisable to know when the worst is likely to happen."

"No thank you, Sybil," he answered curtly.

"Oh, but are you sure?" she continued, and Snape struggled with the urge to silence her by magically levitating the large pumpkin pie at the centre of the table, right into her intolerably annoying mouth.

But, he reminded himself, he must not, the headmaster had spoken to him about such urges and they had agreed that they would, in future, be suppressed. Madam Pomphrey still refused to come anywhere near him since the last time he had lost his temper with her. He had thought she made a rather nice duck but Albus had somewhat disagreed…no, probably best not to bring that up again. That particular exploit had landed him in weekly sessions with the Hogwarts counsellor in an effort to improve his "anger issues".

_I am in a bubble, _hethought furiously. _A beautiful, pink bubble where nobody can touch me. I can't hear anyone and I am rising above the anger. Just breathe in…and out…and in…and-_

"So, then I picked another card and what was it? Can you guess Severus, can you guess?" Trelawney's scarily magnified eyes gazed intently at him from behind her spectacles. Having been a Death Eater for years, Severus Snape had seem some pretty horrific and disturbing sights but Sybil Trelawney's protruding eyeballs still had the power to greatly unnerve him.

"I give in. What was it?" he answered, hoping, but not expecting, that the reply would be brief.

"Well…" and Trelawney launched into an explanation that no doubt featured the threat of imminent death and a tall, dark, handsome stranger.

But Snape heard none of it for _she _had just marched in through the door of the Great Hall and was making her way up to her seat next to Dumbledore. His breath caught suddenly in his throat and his fork same to a screeching halt half way between his plate and his mouth. Was it just him, or had Minerva McGonagall somehow become even more beautiful since breakfast. He gawked her, the gorgeous angel, as she walked in and noticed with a lurch the wisp of hair in her bun that never seemed to stay up, and the way her cheeks were flushed the colour of a delicate pink rose after the exertion of her morning lessons.

_A delicate pink rose? _He made a mental note to throw up later as penance for his own disgusting soppiness. He tore his eyes away from McGonagall and back to Sybil, who was watching him with an interested and rather disconcerting shrewdness.

"Venus is particularly bright at the moment," she told him, her eyes fixed firmly on his face as if looking for some sort of illusive clue. "The planet of _love" _she clarified.

Snape, who had just stuffed the hanging forkful of pie into his mouth, spluttered and choked. "_What?_"

"It's always nice to have a bit of romance round the castle," Sybil continued.

"_What?_" Snape repeated, "you think I…I don't…I never…_NO!_"

"Severus, you're not a subtle as you think. I saw the way you looked at her. She's a good woman, you've good taste." Trelawney spoke matter-of-factly which was actually something of a miracle in itself and Snape gawped at her in surprise before managing to pull himself back together.

"You are, as ever, speaking nonsense Sybil. You are deluded," he announced before rising with whatever dignity he could muster with ears the same colour as Luna Lovegood's radish earrings, and left the table.


	2. Chapter 2

"I know something you don't know!" Sybil Trelawney sang, skipping into the Staff Room, and Professor Sprout and Flitwick exchanged a tentative glance; eyebrows raised and then looked quickly down again. It was most unlike the Divination teacher to be anything save dreamy and mystical and so this new skipping, singing Sybil was slightly disconcerting.

Trelawney perched on the edge of a chair and gazed at the assembled teachers; looking round at them with an expression that said she believed that she was giving them a great treat.

"You know Severus…" she began

"Yes, vaguely," replied Professor Sprout with an air of sarcasm. "As he has been teaching here for over fifteen years."

"Well," continued an unperturbed Sybil. "He's in…" and she whispered the last word so quietly and excitedly that none of the teachers heard.

"In _what?_" asked Sprout. "Not in _trouble _again is he? Because I told him last time, if he turns someone into a duck one more time, I am _not _going to clean up after him again. No, he needs to learn to control that temper of his!"

"No, no, nothing like that," said Trelawney hastily. "Severus Snape is in…" and she paused dramatically, "LOVE!"

At this there was a sudden explosion of noise and hot tea went spurting all round the room from the mouths of various astonished Professors. Professor Sprout's eyebrows disappeared so far up her face that they were no longer visible. Professor Flitwick gave a squeal and fell off his chair. Even Professor Binns looked faintly interested.

"Snape is in _love!" _spluttered Flitwick. He could not have been more surprised if Trelawney had just offered him tickets to a ballet starring Lord Voldemort and his amazing dancing Death Eater quartet. "With whom?"

"Minerva McGonagall," replied Trelawney, who was immensely happy to be the centre of attention. If only the other teachers took this much notice when she told them about her crystal gazing exploits. But no, they always seemed to be unaccountably busy when she tried to explain about the art of looking into the future. They really were extremely dense about that sort of thing, but this time she would make sure to hold their attention well.

"Yes," she continued. "I saw him at lunch, staring at her, he was! Naturally he denied it when I asked him but…" and she gave another of her favoured dramatic pauses, "Sybil Trelawney always knows."

"Well, that is simply wonderful news!" squeaked little Professor Flitwick (who had managed- assisted by Sprout- to clamber back onto his chair) "Severus is always so miserable. A little romance will do him the world of good."

"That's right," came a voice from the corner, and Madam Pomfrey emerged from the staff store cupboard where she had been surreptitiously searching for the hidden supply of fire whiskey she knew the headmaster had put there at Christmas. "Might improve his temper a bit too," she muttered darkly.

"Yes, yes," agreed Flitwick. "Oh, we simply must get them together. It'll be good for Minerva too; if I've told her once I've told her a thousand times: she has to let her hair down sometimes." The other teacher nodded approvingly.

"But that's the problem," continued Trelawney. "I don't think Minerva has any idea."

Madam Pomfrey sniffed. "Even if she did, I doubt she's have him. Severus isn't exactly in her _Top-Ten-List- of-People-I'd-Like- to-Spend-Time-With_"

"Neither is he on mine," agreed Flitwick. "But there must be something we can do to remedy that and make him a bit…well, a bit…"

"Less repulsive?" suggested Sprout.

"More responsive to basic hygiene?" proposed Madam Pomfrey.

"A bit more likable," clarified Flitwick. "If he wants Minerva then he'll have to clean up his act a bit. You know, learn to smile and make conversation. Maybe use a bit of shampoo now and then, that sort of thing."

There was a chorus of "Here, here!" from the staff.

"But how do you propose to go about that?" Trelawney asked him (she had now reverted to he Mystic Meg voice) "Even I, with all my magical ability and the help of my inner eye, cannot seem to cast a light on Severus's…err…_peculiar_ persona."

"Aye!" exclaimed Flitwick "It will take power the grease king knows not, but I'm sure we can think of something if we put our heads together." With that, silence fell in the staff room as the various teachers, medical personnel, caretakers and a small house elf who had staggered in accidently after chancing upon the school butterbeer supply, tried desperately to think of any way that they could make Severus Snape less like, well, _him_.


End file.
